brettreasure

The Windows Song

I was thinking, if Windows were music software instead of an Operating System, what would it be like?

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When We Sell the Farm

The Australia Song

The Australia Song Lyrics (can be printed out for children to use at school assemblies).

Child obesity
Isn’t it great
Australia is punching
Above its weight

Six in a hundred in China are fat
Well Australian kiddies are well above that
When they plot growth on the BMI curve
Our fatty bombars have more in reserve.

Marital breakdown
Isn’t it great
Australia is punching
Above its weight

American couples were world pioneers
Now Russia has more of the love mutineers
We need to focus on anger and wanking
So we can improve on our national ranking.

Underage drinking
Isn’t it great
Australia is punching
Above its weight

3 times as much as American boys
They binge and surrender all style and poise
Drinking in teams til their egos inflate
And they piss in the doorways that they can locate.

E-conomically
Isn’t it great
Australia is punching
Above its weight

Wealth in the suburbs and low foreign aid
Way to go people with balance of trade
Research has shown that we’re leading the world
In working out whether we’re leading the world.

Cynical singalongs
Isn’t it great?
Australia is punching
Above its weight

Anti-authority, anti-the law
We are anti – whatever the other guy’s for
Are we 10 points above you or 30 below
Am I anti-Australian? I’m fucked if I know.
If we’re leading the poms then it’s on with the show
At least we’re not as competitive as New Zealanders.

The Firewall Song

The Cricket Song

Song lyrics

Oooo, Lily Allen.
She has a beautiful pair of hands.
That one came back like a tracer bullet
But she stood her ground

Pushin up into the breeze
At the Vauxhall end
She’s lured Fry across
We all heard the sound

Sod out of luck
Disaster has struck
Fry gets a duck

Oooo Daniel Radcliffe
He’s a very attractive player
Delicate late cut behind gully
Beautiful stroke

Valuable partnership with Grint
Into the nineties
Fast between wickets
Considering the cloaks

But Sebastain Coe
With an over to go
Got one to keep low

Sir Michael Jagger
In as night watchman
Not interested in singles
Average in the sixties

Oh, that could be glove
Allen is pleading
Bolt says No.
It’s gone to the third umpire … Still with the third umpire
Definitely glove. Definitely glove.

It’s a game not a sport
And it’s generally thought
That it’s 5 days too short.

Oooo, Lily Allen.

The Perth Song

Kind of hoping they run me out of town.

Taking the lyrics with me.

O they muffle the bells on the bell tower
Yes they muffle the bells on the bell tower
The bells of St Martins are well out of site
In an average building of average height
But the noise may give office employees a fright
So they muffle the bells on the bell tower

There’s a conference thing on the river
There’s a conference thing on the river
A flexible building it can’t be denied
But the thing we all view with a great deal of pride
Is the internal view of the opposite side
There’s a conference thing on the river

O they’re practical men in the Weld Club
Yes they’re practical men in the Weld Club
Beautiful buildings have history and class
But they don’t return money like concrete and glass
You can stick the aesthetics sideways up your arse.
Yes they’re practical men in the Weld Club   

Well the news is half Eagles, half Dockers.
Yes the news is half Eagles, half Dockers.
Commercial TV’s run by Gammel and Stokes
And the paper’s controlled by the very same folks
So it’s lucky for us that they’re such lovely blokes
Yes the news is half Eagles, half Dockers.

There’s a vibrancy plan for the city
There’s a vibrancy plan for the city
Not that it needs it. It doesn’t. Although.
You could fire a canon and not close the road.
But there’s adequate parking wherever you go
There’s a vibrancy plan and a conference thing and they muffle the bells on the Bell Tower.

Swimming in Information

Language warning: contains Star Trek reference:

Swimming in information
Getting carried out to sea
And all the jellyfish of data
Feed me intravenously

There are dolphins all around me
But I’m a waterlogging sheep
And all my toes are getting nibbled by the
Monsters of the Deep

Bobbing up and down
I’m yelling SOS
I’m redefining stress
And techno-loneliness

Winch me down
a search and rescue geek
Who uses simple speak
And has a patient streak

My eyes are full of screens
My eyes are full of screens
I can’t return or enter
My eyes are full of screens

Swimming in information
Getting carried out to sea
And all the jellyfish of data
Feed me intravenously

I’ve Googled up my goggles
And I have water on the brain
My nephew thought remote controls
Turned on and off the rain (but they don’t)

Bobbing up and down
I’m yelling SOS
I’m redefining stress
And techno-loneliness

Winch me down
a search and rescue geek
Who uses simple speak
And washes twice a week

Swimming in information
Getting carried out to sea
And all the jellyfish of data
Feed me intravenously

Now my phone and coffee maker
Would challenge Captain Kirk
I am overwhelmed with features
Which I cannot fucking work

Bobbing up and down
I’m yelling SOS
I’m redefining stress
And techno-loneliness

Winch me down
a search and rescue geek
Who uses simple speak
And has a great physique

My eyes are full of screens
My eyes are full of screens
I can’t return or enter
My eyes are full of screens

The Twitter Song

Re-Waltzing Matilda

With apologies to the great Australian poet, Ukulele Paterson.

The Skype Song